Trust No Candy

Colourful lies

Trust no candy, that’s what I like to say.
I should know, I used to be one of them. Now I’m just a colour experiment they’d rather forget, a multicoloured freak. As for the Election Candydates, they may have pure colours, but there’s darkness beneath their shells and I’ll be exposing it all on this blog. So stay tuned…

Mister M.

PS. Trust no candy.

You can't handle the truth!

Your Candydates might talk about hugging whales and sweetening the future, but what are their real plans? I did a bit of sniffing around and got hold of their policy documents:

• Blue plans to replace our National Anthem with his own version, a duet with Kenny G.
• Miss Green is pledging millions to solar-powered solariums.
• Blueprints discovered for a ‘Crispy Security Dome’ – an orange shell to cover Australia and New Zealand.
• Red will replace the Opera House, with a statue of himself.
• Yellow’s policy folder contained nothing but an old recipe for country-style vegie soup.

Trust no candy.

Crispy gets double-crossed

I hear Crispy is publishing a book. Hold on, that’s not Crispy… Or is it?

Trust no candy.

Miss Green Exposed

Just the other day I was browsing some old editions of Playcandy Magazine (for research of course) and suddenly, the truth stared me in the face. The naked truth. I was shell-shocked to say the least. Miss Green certainly has nothing to hide.

Trust no candy.

Iay, Caramba!

Red is leading a double life. In one life, he is a respectable world dictator. In another, he’s a Cuban cigar dealer who goes by the name of Red Guerolitas Castrovera. I suspect this character is highly dangerous and extremely hairy.

Trust no candy.

Speech Bloopers

Even candydates get tongue-tied sometimes. Here’s a few campaign speech bloopers they’d rather forget…

MISS GREEN:    “I expect to win by sex votes... I mean six votes...hehe.”
YELLOW:     “Don’t vote ‘cos you love me. Vote ‘cos you love Austria!”
CRISPY:    “The public shouldn’t assassinate me…  underestimate me… Oh god”
BLUE:    “Go get ‘em Blue, you big stud. Are we recording yet?”
RED:     “The people, the people, blah-blah-blah yaddah-yaddah-yaddah.”

Trust no candy.

Hanibal Crispy

It seems Crispy has become so paranoid that he’ll eat nothing but M&M'S.
Crispy M&M’S.

"They’re the only ones I can trust", claims Crispy.
"And they can’t get me if I get me first. Vote Crispy. Before it’s too late’"

Trust no candy.

Two Candies in a Pod

What do you get when you mix Yellow and Red? Technically, orange.
What else do you get? CONSPIRACY. I’ve suspected for some time now that Yellow are Red are working together. So I tapped yellow’s phone and this is what I heard:
Download mms.mp3

Not convinced? These photos I snapped speak louder than words.

Trust no candy.

Video Killed the Chocolate Star

Blue is getting more and more popular every day. On YouTube. The image below was taken from a leaked home video of his. Blue has avoided all questions about the video, but will be signing limited edition DVDs this Saturday.

Trust no candy.

Underground Candy

Crispy has DISAPPEARED. Fearing assassination, the orange scaredy-cat has fled underground. But if Crispy has disappeared, who are we seeing on TV?
A fake, I suspect. A body-double. Or a robot. Possibly even a fake robot.

The images below were taken from airport security footage. I have reason to believe the real Crispy is headed for Spain, Mexico or Tasmania. Post any sightings.

Trust no candy.   

The Red Light District

It was a night that started at a bar, and ended behind bars. This candydate sure knows how to paint the town red.

Trust no candy.

Code Yellow!

I’m afraid Yellow has blown my cover and is watching my every move. From now on, I will have to speak in secret code. One. Zero-One. Zero. One-Zero. One-Zero-Zero-Zero, One-Zero One-One.

Trust no candy. Zero.